Real men listen to Eamonn Dunphy
Real men sing in pubs
Real men cry at the movies
Real men smoke cigars
Real men arrive at the last minute
Real men keep their friends guessing
Real men are deliberately late
Real men take pseudoephredine
Real men look at ladies' bums
Real men know how to order a curry
Real men turn up late for work

Why is nonsense the opposite of sense? What about unsense? Or insense? Or even incense?

Why didn't Coleridge write about a pleasure dome "where blossom'd many a nonsense bearing tree"? I'd like to grow a nonsense bearing tree. I'd grow it in my office, at my desk, I would. I'd get in some comely non-virgins to prance about, too.

Who wants virgins, anyway? What use are they? And they'd all better be prepared to show me their fish-mittens.

Kubhla Khan also had "sinuous rills" in his garden. I'd prefer to have "insidious frills" in my office-dome. The non-virgins could wear them, just covering their mittens.

And they could bring me in some monkeys' thumbs on a platter. Or indeed on a plate.

And they could peel my grapes for me, which would save me a fortune at the proctologist's.

How come sensible means rational and acting with good sense but insensible means unfeeling? Does sensible mean feeling too? So if a person is described as sensible, this means that they are having a grope?

"Be sensible, man! Get a grip on yourself!"

Myself, I prefer the term antisense. This is the true opposite of sense. Nonsense just means that there is no sense. So a blank page, which has no sense on it, is full of nonsense. This is pure antisense!

My sister the molecular biologist would have me believe that antisense is a form of nucleotide that inactivates messenger RNA. I have no idea what messenger RNA is but it sounds a little bit like DNA. DNA are the initials of the late, great and grossly over bathed Douglas Adams. He wrote a nice book that was, in a way, about a poem by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Which is, I think, where we came in.

Round and round, like a laviscious circle. How can one travel in ever-decreasing circles? Wouldn't that be a spiral, and not a circle at all? Circle is an overused word. For example, my social circle is not a circle at all, but it's a kind of irregular polygon, with some tangential lines.

I sense your incense at the antecedence of all this nonsense, so I'll stop now.

Real men love to love
Real men can braid their nose hairs
Real men don't use the phone
Real men eat black olives
Real men shoot kangaroos in the nude
Real men would love to do Nikki Cox
Real men love to tango
Real men love themselves
Real men shout at passersby
Real men drink Italian vino
Real men are great lovers
Real men take their time in the shower
Real men keep their cars clean
Real men don't use umbrellas
Real men don't wear aprons
Real men talk to themselves
Real men do their own laundry
Real men iron their own shirts
Real men count on one hand

Real men wear stripes
Real men drive too fast
Real men are fat
Real men do the fandango
Real men like fillet steak
Real men fart in bed
Real men wear snapbrimmed fedoras
Real men eat their greens with mustard
Real men love Nikki Cox
Real men smoke cigars
Real men dream of electric sheets
Real men live life in the fish lane
Real men would like to sleep with the girls from Charmed
Real men hold their own in bed
Real men put pepper on everything
Real men laugh in the face of comedy
Real men cry at the sound of wolves
Real men make your bum look big
Real men take their whiskey on the rocks
Real men gorge themselves on strawberry tarts
Real men do things at the last minute
Real men cook tuna steak with chilli flakes and olive oil
Real men dip chocolate biscuits in tea
Real men look like Stacey Keach
Real men play football in the park
Real men shout for the underdog
Real men know what time it is
Real men buy 20 pairs of the same socks
Real men eat macaroni and cheese
Real men shave before they shower
Real men drink Heineken
Real men know how to make a Windsor knot
Real men get a taxi when they're late
Real men eat smelly cheese
Real men let women have their say
Real men look after their shoes
Real men take action at the first sign of a cold or flu
Real men take brown sauce on bacon
Real men watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Real men take pleasure in fondling their scrotums
Real men drink heavily all day
Real men can paint their house while taking a nap
Real men fart on crowded communter transport
Real men would like to jump on Kathy Lloyd in a jumpsuit
Real men fight using sticks with nails in them
Real men can swallow coal and shit diamonds
Real men eat honey straight from the jar
Real men sneeze while driving